I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately.
Ok, more than a lot…
I sometimes feel like I am in purgatory. Not heaven, not hell.
I sometimes get to touch heaven. Taste it. Embrace it. Let it envelope me. Let me enjoy it.
Avoid the chaos.
But my life rides on a pendulum. I am only there for a brief moment before I begin the long, agonizing ride back.
My past haunts me.
My present mocks me.
My future is a tease.
I am “starting over” in life. I never spent time thinking about what that meant until recently.
Examining your past. Looking at what you bring to the table. Realizing what you damaged.
I have painfully come to the realization that my accomplishments in life have been small.
If I had to write down a list of my accomplishments I would not get far past “being a father.”
I get by.
I got by.
And now I have entered a maze. There is the light at the exit, but my past has created the walls.
They are thick.
They are tall.
I can’t see over them.
They have no cracks for me to peek through.
The walls are my past. They keep me trapped. They lead me to dead ends. They tease me with different entrances.
But they always take me back.
For a brief period I see my heaven. I feel the love. I feel the caring. I feel the emotions. I can see such a wonderful future. I think I may finally get there.
But it is short lived.
I return to the chaos.
My pendulum descends.
My heaven is strong. She is patient. She understands. She gives me hope. She surrounds me.
Can I escape my walls?